Cry Me a God Damn River..
Right then, so I don’t really know why I’ve signed up to this, but then I don’t really know my reason behind most things these days! I guess I feel I have a lot to vent, and not too many people to vent to, so right now my laptop seems to be the best bet!
I hate hearing people moan about how shit their lives are and how unfortunate they’ve become, when they truely have nothing to moan about, then one day, I heard myself speak, and I have officially become one of them.. this is by far the most depressing factor in my life right now, and the only one I should really be concerned with, but it’s not.
I have an amazing family, who support me in everything I do or anything I’d want to do.. and in this last year I have become immensely aware of how much they mean to me. Yet I still see myself taking them for granted, and this kills me! I’d say it’s been pretty much the last 2 months or so that i’ve found myself moaping around and being a snappy bitch to the people that care about me the most. I blame my miserable attitude on the fact that I left University because I could see myself taking the completely wrong choices with my future, I had all these hopes and dreams of travelling, seeing as much as I could, while I had the oppertunity, perhaps even meet someone who felt the same and could share my experiences. Then as if by magic, realise what it is I want to achieve with my life, and persue it! Surprise, Surprise, this did not happen! Instead, I’ve spend the majority of the year unemployed or working menial jobs, just to get myself out of the house! I have actually wasted an entire year of my life, and find this rather depressing! To top it all off, a vast number of my friends are away at University, so there are few left to keep me sane! However, I have never been more thankful for these people.. I think I’d have actually been locked up by now without them.
I always find myself looking at how fortunate I am, having a great support network, a roof over my head (with no charge), my health. etc. the list could go on forever!! Yet I always revert back to the less positive aspects off my life (as displayed in the previous paragraph).. It usually does consist of my lack of ambition, motivation, career prospects etc! generally my future. If someone were to ask me, “ideally where do you want to be in 10 years time?” I could not give an honest answer, because I really do not know what I want out of my life! Other than to be happy, but this not knowing is making me pretty unhappy, so I feel completely stuck!
Basically, time is creeping up on me and i’m feeling the pressure.. if i want to go back to Uni, I will need to fill my forms out sharpish.. but in order to do that, i’d have to actually know what I wanted to study in Uni. & if i decide not to go back, i really should try to focus on a long term career path, because right now all I can see is a life full of regrets, and thats is something I really fear.
I understand how boring this would be for someone to actually read, but I hope nobody actually does read these blogs, the point is for me to vent and moan, and not actually trouble or bore anyone with my worries.. ideally, I’ll get a weight off my chest when I do this, then perhaps I’ll feel a whole lot better & that may ease my mothers concern!
Anyway, it’s 2.51am so i’m going to get some sleep! This hasnt really resolved anything for me, as it’s just made me think of my problems more, but perhaps with a few more attempts, something will click.
But for now, Goodnight! x
